Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Auditioning New Trainers (As explained through medieval memes...)

So, I've been taking lessons from a few trainers to try to find the best fit for Pig and I. This process is about as fun as prying off all your fingernails. Let me explain. 

Step 1: You start off riding around the ring while the trainer watches you warm up. You barely make it around a whole 20 meter circle before the trainer has watched you make so many mistakes that her eyes are bleeding and she has to chime in with some helpful tips...

Step 2: Trainer watches you make some more mistakes before pulling you into the middle to ask you WTF you even think you are doing out there...
Step 3: You manage to stumble out to the trainer what your current level of training is, and what your horse knows. Trainer looks you up and down critically...
Step 4: You head back out to ride while the trainer gives you a few instructions that make you think a game of drunken Twister might be an easier and more enjoyable hobby...
Step 5: Trainer tries to politely tell you that everything you have ever done are doing is wrong.
Step 6: You resolve to give all the trainer's directions a solid try, and magically they seem to solve all of your problems.
Step 7: All of a sudden your horse is going along like he's a goddamned Valegro impersonator, and you are doing your best to just keep up.
Step 8: Your muscles begin protesting all the weird contortions and extra work you've been making them do...
Step 9: As time goes by without a break, you begin to wonder if maybe the trainer is taking some kind of weird pleasure in watching you suffer...
Step 10: Finally, you can't keep your shit together legs on any longer, and you collapse. Your horse goes back the crooked and inconsistent pretzel you started with.
Step 11: But as you walk your horse out, you realize all the people on the sidelines keep applauding you for how awesome you looked. You start to feel like maybe you can do this damn dressage thing after all.
Step 12: Trainer asks if you want to try anything else today. You are so sweaty and exhausted you can't even answer.
Step 13: The lesson ends, and Trainer tries to ask if you want to set up another lesson. You aren't ready for that kind of commitment yet, and are starting to feel pressured, so you blurt out...
Step 14: You untack your horse and thank him for once again putting up with all your bad riding without completely embarrassing you.
One more successful trainer audition in the books!

**All images taken directly from the Medieval People of Color blog. If you have any interest in history, illuminated manuscripts, snarky medieval memes, or people of color, do yourself a solid and give that link a click.

25 comments:

  1. Hahaha that's exactly how I felt at the first clinic. Sounds like a good first lesson though!

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  2. This was hilarious. Sounds like you had a good breakthrough though!

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  3. Hahahaha, sounds like you're well on your way to finding a new trainer!

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  4. Well I just giggled my way through that entire post. Out loud. At work. Thank you for that start to the day!

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  5. Hahahaha... excellent use of medieval content. And yeah, new trainer. So much pain.

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  6. Ha!! LOVED this post. Might show it to the non horsey hubs just for the memes.

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    1. Dooo eeet! I make so many people look at stupid medieval memes all the time. It's basically my favorite type of meme spam.

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  7. Oh my gosh the memes! Hilarious!

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  8. Hahaha, "Shut up and take my farthing"

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  9. Ahaha this is fantastic! Sounds like a good first lesson, woohoo!

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  10. ahahaha yesss i relate to this lol - and excellent use of memes!

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  11. This is the best trainer audition post in the history of all posts ever.

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  12. This is basically every dressage lesson I take, in a nutshell. Brilliant.

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  13. That baby eating grapes made me laugh out loud at work! hahaha. This is great.

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  14. Step 5: Trainer tries to politely tell you that everything you have ever done are doing is wrong.

    Yup.

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  15. Suck it peasants - HILARIOUS! Funny stuff, but I do not envy you at all. Well a little bit, actually. That you have enough trainers in your area to audition is SUPER awesome. I don't like to audition trainers which is not a problem as there aren't any here to try out. Hope you connect with someone soon! :0)

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    1. It's certainly kind of frustrating and annoying trying to figure out who is the best fit. On the plus side, I've learned a lot!

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  16. omg so funny! I think medieval memes are now my favorite meme!
    Hopefully you'll find the right fit and all will be well in the world.

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  17. This is so incredibly funny! Good luck on the trainer hunt!

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  18. ROFL. Oh man, I still remember the first lesson I had with my current trainer. I rode one of her horses and I was SO NERVOUS the whole time.

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  19. Such awesome(me)ness *giggles*

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