We all know there are certain phrases people use in sale ads to creatively obscure their horse's terrible behavior. If we're lucky, we are able to translate the subtext and steer clear of the trap lingering. If we aren't we might find ourselves with a problem on our hands.

With that in mind, here are some particular euphemistic phrases I might apply to Bast. Do you have any you would apply to your horse?
"Horse has been started slowly."
Translated: Horse had the work ethic and temperament of a rabid raccoon when we started working with him, so we cut our losses and turned him out for what feels like a couple of years. Unfortunately he didn't kill himself, so now we have cautiously begun to look in his direction.
Translated: Horse has one, absurdly strong, opinion. That opinion is HELL NO.
"Needs confidence."
Translated: Horse believes rider/handler is actually the devil, and zealously protects his soul by ignoring everything rider/handler asks him to do. Instead horse panics constantly over the existential nightmare in which he finds himself.
"Upper level potential."
Translated: Horse could be compared to a bengal tiger with severe ADHD and a diet solely consisting of gummi bears and coca-cola. Note. Tiger might be slightly lazier and less athletic than said horse. Riders have actually passed out when simply considering riding the animal.
"Needs more miles."
Translated: Horse freaks out over every minor change in his life. This includes the wind blowing, the sun, the rider showing up, and another horse breathing. It is unclear that a million more miles would make a difference, but maybe the horse would be too tired to bolt.
"Needs experienced rider."
Translated: Experienced terrorist negotiators only. This horse is capable of some Jack Bauer level bullshit.
"Forward ride."
Translated: Horse handles all pressure by hurtling forward at supersonic speeds. Rating speed is not possible, as horse has no breaks. Suggest pointing him at something solid and praying to whatever deity seems most generous at the moment.

In other news, Bast and I are headed to our very first show today. Hopefully he keeps his dark side hidden away, and we survive the outing unscathed. But just in case, I already have this part of his sale ad drafted at least.
Just kidding. He's not for sale.


  1. "Best kept in electric fence as horse tends to test other fences" *inserts gift of Bast crashing through solid fence*

  2. I saw one on a sale ad the other day that said something about how the horse had lovely high knee action showing clear potential for passage. And then the video was one tightly wound freaked out racehorse foaming around the lip shank and barely being kept in check as it trotted all of ten steps. Excellent dressage prospect for sure!

    1. Ahahaha! Def an amazing dressage prospect. I can't believe you didn't snatch that sucker right up!

  3. Ha! That is awesome. 'Rabid raccoon' indeed! Good luck at the show. That shot of the slide to the fence was awesome.

  4. Lol Bast! I’d say you’re not quite ready to write his sales ad after last night ;)

    Other fun euphemisms: “some maintenance” - haha basically don’t even bother looking at his legs. “Quiet” - you’re gonna need a stick of dynamite and spurs the size of the Florida panhandle to wake it up. “Hacks out” - once. “Started over fences” - also once, just for the pics. “Ground covering canter” - will cover all the ground between here and the barn surprisingly quickly! Lol....

    1. LOVE THOSE! And yeah, he's not up for sale today. :) I'm pretty happy with the little guy.

  5. i am also spoiled by your IG so yes i know he is not for sale today but omg those are GREAT and the photos are too :) I am glad you had fun and he behaved at the show! YAY (and i knew all those photos were from when it was cooler so was sure he was doing better or you would NOT have taken him to the show!!) YAY for you and Bast ;)

  6. *double take*

    Why you writing about my horse?!!! :D

  7. Hahaha! Love these! Euphemisms for me: "doesn't really like other horses" - ie she will kick, bite maim any other horse that enters her personal space. "in your pocket" - ie will run you over in search of treats and has no sense of personal boundaries. LOL


Post a Comment