Clipping Your New Baby Thoroughbred

A Pre-Clip Fur Beast

So you've brought home a young thoroughbred, and you've decided you want to clip off all of its winter coat so you can stop worrying about heat stroke in this ridiculous October heat wave. Based on my experiences, here's your how-to:

Step 1.
Show up on a random Saturday when you're suffering from the early stages of bronchitis. Notice it's a beautiful day. The sun is radiating heat, like it's still freaking July, and your horse is just standing there all furry and gloriously still clean from his Friday night bath.

So clean. So fuzzy.

Step 2.
Cross tie your pony. Give him a cursory brushing. Break out your clippers. Turn them on far away from your new baby racehorse and gradually bring the buzzing devices closer. Expect your horse to lose his goddamn mind like your retired old man. Become extremely surprised when baby racehorse instead quizzically asks you if there are cookies behind this strange device.

Step 3.
Rub clippers all over baby horse to see if he morphs into a dragon and tries to murder you when they touch his ticklish spots. When he stands like a stone, dig those suckers in and be 1/4 of the way into shaving him before you even know what's happened. Take a break to process these developments.

Bay horses change color much less than chestnuts. Takes away some of the magic.

Step 4.
Repeat on the other side. Also do part ofhis head, since for some reason he's also fine with that, standing halter-less while you do it.

... though afterwards he had to run to his safe place: his bestie's ample Irish behind.

Step 5.
Decide your beleaguered lungs can't take any more hair assault, and take baby horse for a hack instead of finishing the job. Also buy new clippers because you're tired of putting a band-aid on a problem you've been not fixing for years.

God, he's handsome.

Step 6.
Return the next day to finish the job, despite feeling 100x worse than the day before and having misplaced your voice.

"Can't believe you left me half done!"

Step 7.
Realize baby thoroughbred is more ticklish in his back half than his front when he tries to kick at you exactly once. Vigorously remind him that horses Do. Not. Kick. Note he is very smart when he does not offer to do this again.

Step 8.
Give your baby horse multiple breaks from his ticklish bits by tackling easier parts, lending him a hilarious moth-eaten appearance.

I was slightly tempted to leave him like this.

Step 9.
Complete your baby horse's body clip successfully, making this is the first clip job you've done in years that didn't involve drugging, twitching, and serious threats to your safety. Congratulate yourself by hacking up the left side of your lungs.

"You should probably see a doctor about that."

Anyone else out there clipping this week?